Jasper (A Shrek Parody)
by supersonicwarrior
Summary: Shrek but with Steven Universe characters, essentially. I hope you enjoy!


**JASPER (A SHREK PARODY)**

Written by

SUPERSONICWARRIOR

 **JASPER**

Once upon a time there was a lovely

human. But she had an enchantment

upon her of a fearful sort which could

only be broken by love's first kiss.

She was locked away in a castle guarded

by a terrible acid-breathing corruption.

Many brave knights had attempted to

free her from this dreadful prison,

but none prevailed. She waited in the

gem's keep in the highest room of

the tallest tower for her true love

and true love's first kiss. (laughs)

Like that's ever gonna happen. What

a load of - (toilet flush)

Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Jasper goes about her

day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go

after the gem.

 **NIGHT - NEAR JASPER'S COLONY**

 **MAN1**

Think it's in there?

 **MAN2**

All right. Let's get it!

 **MAN1**

Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that

thing can do to you?

 **MAN3**

Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's

bread.

Jasper sneaks up behind them and laughs.

 **JASPER**

Yes, well, actually, that would be a

bismuth. Now, jaspers, oh they're much worse.

They'll make a suit from your freshly

peeled skin.

 **MEN**

No!

 **JASPER**

They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the

jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's

quite good on toast.

 **MAN1**

Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya!

(waves the torch at Jasper.)

Jasper calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The

men shrink back away from him. Jasper roars very loudly and for very long

and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the

men are in the dark.

 **JASPER**

This is the part where you run away.

(The men scramble to get away. He laughs.)

And stay out! (looks down and picks

up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted.

Crystal Gems."(He sighs and

throws the paper over his shoulder.)

 **THE NEXT DAY**

There is a line of Crystal Gems. The head of the guard

sits at a table paying people for bringing the Crystal Gems

to him. There are cages all around.

 **PERIDOT**

Please, don't turn me in. I'll never

be annoying again. I can change. Please!

Give me another chance!

 **OLD WOMAN**

Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope)

 **PERIDOT**

Oh!

 **HEAD GUARD**

Next! What have you got?

 **GREG**

This little Gem hybrid.

 **STEVEN**

I'm not a Gem! I'm a real boy

 **HEAD GUARD**

Five shillings for the possessed child.

Take it away.

 **STEVEN**

Father, please! Don't let them do this!

Help me!

Greg takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up

to the table.

 **HEAD GUARD**

Next! What have you got?

 **OLD WOMAN**

Well, I've got a talking Peridot.

 **HEAD GUARD**

Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings,

if you can prove it.

 **OLD WOMAN**

Oh, go ahead, little fella.

Peridot just looks up at her.

 **HEAD GUARD**

Well?

 **OLD WOMAN**

Oh, oh, she's just...she's just a little

nervous. She's really quite a chatterbox.

Talk, you boneheaded dolt...

 **HEAD GUARD**

That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!

 **OLD WOMAN**

No, no, she talks! He does. (pretends

to be Peridot) I can talk. I love to

talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing

you ever saw.

 **HEAD GUARD**

Get her out of my sight.

 **OLD WOMAN**

No, no! I swear! Oh! She can talk!

The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One

of her legs flies out and kicks Peridot

and she activates her metal powers. She takes a nearby trash lid and starts flying away.

 **PERIDOT**

Hey! I can fly!

 **PEARL**

She can fly!

 **3 Amethysts**

She can fly!

 **HEAD GUARD**

She can talk!

 **PERIDOT**

Ha, ha! That's right, clod! Now I'm

a flying, talking peridot. You might

have seen a Lapis fly, maybe even a fusion fly

but I bet you ain't never seen a peridot

fly. Ha, ha! (Her metal powers begin to

wear off.) Uh-oh. (she begins to sink

to the ground.)

She hits the ground with a thud.

 **HEAD GUARD**

Seize her! (Peridot takes off running.)

After her!

 **GUARDS**

She's getting away! Get her! This way!

Turn!

Peridot keeps running and she eventually runs into Jasper. Literally.

Jasper turns around to see who bumped into her. Peridot looks scared

for a moment then she spots the guards coming up the path. She

quickly hides behind Jasper.

 **HEAD GUARD**

You there. Jasper!

 **JASPER**

Aye?

 **HEAD GUARD**

By the order of Yellow Diamond I am authorized

to place you both under arrest and transport

you to a designated resettlement facility.

 **JASPER**

Oh, really? You and what army?

She looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well

and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail

and runs off. Jasper laughs and goes back about her business and

begins walking back to her colony.

 **PERIDOT**

Can I say something to you? Listen,

you was really, really, really somethin'

back here. Incredible!

 **JASPER**

Are you talkin' to...(she turns around

and Peridot is gone) me? (she turns back

around and Peridot is right in front

of her.) Whoa!

 **PERIDOT** Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell

you that you that you was great back

here? Those guards! They thought they

was all of that. Then you showed up,

and bam! They was trippin' over themselves

like babes in the woods. That really

made me feel good to see that.

 **JASPER**

Oh, that's great. Really.

 **PERIDOT**

Man, it's good to be free.

 **JASPER**

Now, why don't you go celebrate your

freedom with your own friends? Hmm?

 **PERIDOT**

But, uh, I don't have any friends. And

I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey,

wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll

stick with you. You're mean, orange,

fightin' machine. Together we'll scare

the spit out of anybody that crosses

us.

Jasper turns and regards Peridot for a moment before roaring very

loudly.

 **PERIDOT** Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you

don't mind me sayin', if that don't

work, your breath certainly will get

the job done, 'cause you definitely

need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause

you breath stinks! You almost burned

the hair outta my nose, just like the

time...(Jasper covers her mouth but Peridot

continues to talk, so Jasper removes

her hand.) ...then I ate some rotten

berries. I had strong gases leaking

out of my butt that day.

 **JASPER**

Why are you following me?

 **PERIDOT**

I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause

I'm all alone, There's no one here beside

me, My problems have all gone, There's

no one to deride me, But you gotta have

friends...

 **JASPER**

Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't

have any friends.

 **PERIDOT**

Wow. Only a true friend would be that

cruelly honest.

 **JASPER**

Listen, little peridot. Take a look at

me. What am I?

 **PERIDOT**

(looks all the way up at Jasper) Uh ...really

tall?

 **JASPER**

No! I'm a jasper! You know. "Grab your

torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that

bother you?

 **PERIDOT**

Nope.

 **JASPER**

Really?

 **PERIDOT**

Really, really.

 **JASPER**

Oh.

 **PERIDOT**

Man, I like you. What's your name?

 **JASPER**

Uh, Jasper.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper? Well, you know what I like about

you, Jasper? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me

thing. I like that. I respect that,

Jasper. You're all right. (They come over

a hill and you can see Jasper's colony.)

Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live

in place like that?

 **JASPER**

That would be my home.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful.

You know you are quite a decorator.

It's amazing what you've done with such

a modest budget. I like that boulder.

That is a nice boulder. I guess you

don't entertain much, do you?

 **JASPER**

I like my privacy.

 **PERIDOT**

You know, I do too. That's another thing

we have in common. Like I hate it when

you got somebody in your face. You're

trying to give them a hint, and they

won't leave. There's that awkward silence.

(awkward silence) Can I stay with you?

 **JASPER**

Uh, what?

 **PERIDOT**

Can I stay with you, please?

 **JASPER**

(sarcastically) Of course!

 **PERIDOT**

Really?

 **JASPER**

No.

 **PERIDOT**

Please! I don't wanna go back there!

You don't know what it's like to be

considered an outcast. (pause while she

looks at Jasper) Well, maybe you do.

But that's why we gotta stick together.

You gotta let me stay! Please! Please!

 **JASPER**

Okay! Okay! But one night only.

 **PERIDOT**

Ah! Thank you! (she runs inside the cottage)

 **JASPER**

What are you...? (Peridot hops up onto

a chair.) No! No!

 **PERIDOT**

This is gonna be fun! We can stay up

late, swappin' manly stories, and in

the mornin' I'm makin' waffles.

 **JASPER**

GRRRR!

 **PERIDOT**

Where do, uh, I sleep?

 **JASPER**

(irritated) Outside!

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean,

I don't know you, and you don't know

me, so I guess outside is best, you

know. Here I go. Good night. (Jasper

slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do

like the outdoors. I'm a peridot. I was

born outside. I'll just be sitting by

myself outside, I guess, you know. By

myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's

no one here beside me...

 **JASPER'S COLONY - NIGHT**

Jasper is getting ready for dinner. She sits herself down and lights

a candle made out of earwax. She begins to eat when she hears a

noise. She stands up with a huff.

 **JASPER**

(to Peridot) I thought I told you to

stay outside.

 **PERIDOT**

(from the window) I am outside.

There is another noise and Jasper turns to find the person that

made the noise. She sees several shadows moving. She finally turns

and spots 3 blind sapphires on her table.

 **BLIND SAPPHIRE1**

Well, ladies, it's a far cry from Homeworld,

but what choice do we have?

 **BLIND SAPPHIRE2**

It's not home, but it'll do just fine.

 **BLIND SAPPHIRE3**

(bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed.

 **JASPER**

Got ya. (Grabs a sapphire, but it escapes

and lands on her shoulder.)

 **BLIND SAPPHIRE3**

I found some cheese. (bites Jasper's

head)

 **JASPER**

Ow!

 **BLIND SAPPHIRE3**

Blah! Awful stuff.

 **BLIND SAPPHIRE1**

Is that you, Sapphire?

 **BLIND SAPPHIRE3**

How did you know?

 **JASPER**

Enough! (she grabs the 3 sapphires) What are

you doing in my house? (She gets bumped

from behind and she drops the sapphires.)

Hey! (she turns and sees seven gems

with a corrupted gem on the table.) Oh, no,

no, no. Dead broad off the table.

 **GEM**

Where are we supposed to put her? The

bed's taken.

 **JASPER**

Huh?

Jasper marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain.

Amethyst is sitting in the bed. Amethyst just looks at

her.

 **AMETHYST**

What?

 **TIME LAPSE**

Jasper now has Amethyst by the collar and is dragging

her to the front door.

 **JASPER**

I live in a colony. I put up signs. I'm

a terrifying jasper! What do I have to

do get a little privacy? (She opens the

front door to throw Amethyst out and

she sees that all the collected Crystal

Gems are on his land.) Oh,

no. No! No!

 **JASPER**

What are you doing in my colony? (this

echoes and everyone falls silent.)

Gasps are heard all around.

 **JASPER**

All right, get out of here. All of you,

move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya!

Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more

gems run inside the house) No, no!

No, no. Not there. Not there. (they

shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to

look at Peridot)

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite

them.

 **STEVEN**

Oh, gosh, no one invited us.

 **JASPER**

What?

 **STEVEN**

We were forced to come here.

 **JASPER**

(flabbergasted) By who?

 **AMETHYST**

Yellow Diamond. She huffed and she puffed

and she...signed an eviction notice.

 **JASPER**

(heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where

this Diamond guy is?

Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, I do. I know where she is.

 **JASPER**

Does anyone else know where to find

her? Anyone at all?

 **PERIDOT**

Me! Me!

 **JASPER**

Anyone?

 **PERIDOT**

Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know!

Me, me!

 **JASPER**

(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all Crystal

Gem things. Do not get comfortable.

Your welcome is officially worn out.

In fact, I'm gonna see this Yellow Diamond

right now and get you all off my land

and back where you came from! (Pause.

Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Peridot)

You! You're comin' with me.

 **PERIDOT**

All right, that's what I like to hear,

man. Jasper and Peridot, two stalwart

friends, off on a whirlwind big-city

adventure. I love it!

 **PERIDOT**

(singing) On the road again. Sing it

with me, Jasper. I can't wait to get

on the road again.

 **JASPER**

What did I say about singing?

 **PERIDOT**

Can I whistle?

 **JASPER**

No.

 **PERIDOT**

Can I hum it?

 **JASPER**

All right, hum it.

Peridot begins to hum 'On the Road Again'.

 **YELLOW KITCHEN**

A masked gem is torturing a ruby. She's continually

dunking her in a pool of water. Yellow Diamond walks in.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

That's enough. She's ready to talk.

The ruby is pulled out of the water and slammed down

onto a chair. Yellow Diamond laughs as she walks over to the

chair. She clears her throat.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

(she picks up the ruby's legs

and plays with them) Run, run, run,

as fast as you can. You can't catch

me. I'm a rebellious gem!

 **RUBY**

You're a monster.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

I'm not the monster here. You are. You

and the rest of that Crystal Gem trash,

poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell

me! Where are the others?

 **RUBY**

Shatter me! (He spits into Yellow Diamond's

eye.)

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

I've tried to be fair to you rebels.

Now my patience has reached its end!

Tell me or I'll...(she makes as if to

pull off the ruby's gem)

 **RUBY**

No, no, not the gem. Not my gem!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

All right then. Who's hiding them?

 **RUBY**

Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the

Fryman?

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

The Fryman?

 **RUBY**

The Fryman.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Yes, I know the Fryman, who lives

on the boardwalk?

 **RUBY** Well, she's married to the Fryman.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

The Fryman?

 **RUBY**

The Fryman!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

She's married to the Fryman.

The door opens and the Head Guard walks in.

 **HEAD GUARD**

My diamond! We found it.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Then what are you waiting for? Bring

it in.

More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet.

They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Lapis in the mirror.

 **RUBY**

(in awe) Ohhhh...

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Gem mirror...

 **RUBY**

Don't tell her anything! (Yellow Diamond picks

her up and dumps her into a trash can

with a lid.) No!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall.

Is this not the most perfect diamondship

of them all?

 **LAPIS**

Well, technically you're not a diamond.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Uh, Pearl. (Yellow Pearl holds up a

hand mirror and smashes it with her

fist.) You were saying?

 **LAPIS**

What I mean is you're not a diamond yet.

But you can become one. All you have

to do is marry a human.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Go on.

 **LAPIS**

(chuckles nervously) So, just sit back

and relax, my diamond, because it's time

for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes.

And here they are! Bachelorette number

one is a mentally abused shut-in from

a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi

and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies

include cooking and cleaning for her

two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella.

(shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette

number two is a cape-wearing girl from

the land of fancy. Although she lives

with seven other men, she's not easy.

Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and

find out what a live wire she is. Come

on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows

picture of Snow White) And last, but

certainly not least, bachelorette number

three is a fiery strawberry blonde from a corruption-guarded

castle surrounded by hot boiling acid!

But don't let that cool you off. She's

a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas

and getting caught in the rain. Yours

for the rescuing, Rose! (Shows

picture of Rose) So will it

be bachelorette number one, bachelorette

number two or bachelorette number three?

 **GUARDS**

Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Three? One? Three?

 **YELLOW PEARL**

Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number

three, my diamond!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Okay, okay, uh, number three!

 **LAPIS**

Yellow Diamond, you've chosen Rose.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Rose. She's perfect. All I

have to do is just find someone who

can go...

 **LAPIS**

But I probably should mention the little

thing that happens at night.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

I'll do it.

 **LAPIS**

Yes, but after sunset...

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Silence! I will make this Rose

my queen, and Homeworld will finally have

the perfect diamond! Captain, assemble

your finest men. We're going to have

a tournament. (smiles evilly)

Yellow Parking Lot - Quartz Section

Jasper and Peridot come out of the field that is right by the parking

lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high.

 **PERIDOT**

But that's it. That's it right there.

That's Homeworld. I told ya I'd find it.

 **JASPER**

So, that must be Yellow Diamond's castle.

 **PERIDOT**

Uh-huh. That's the place.

 **JASPER**

Do you think maybe she's compensating

for something? (She laughs, but then

groans as Peridot doesn't get the joke.

She continues walking through the parking

lot.)

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, wait. Wait up, Jasper.

 **GEM**

Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry.

 **JASPER**

Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing

a giant head that looks like Yellow Diamond,

screams and begins running through the

rows of rope to get to the front gate

to get away from Jasper.) Wait a second.

Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just

\- - I just - - (She sighs and then begins

walking straight through the rows. The

attendant runs into a wall and falls

down. Jasper and Peridot look at him then

continue on into Homeworld.)

 **HOMEWORLD**

They look around but all is quiet.

 **JASPER**

It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody?

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, look at this!

Peridot runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box

marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors

open up. There are little wooden gems inside and they begin

to sing.

 **WOODEN GEMS**

Welcome to Homeworld such a perfect star

Here we have some rules

Do not wander far

Don't make waves, stay in line

And we'll get along fine

Homeworld is a perfect place

Please keep off of the grass

Shine your gems, wipe your... face

Homeworld is, Homeworld is

Homeworld is a perfect place.

Suddenly a camera takes Peridot and Jasper's picture.

 **PERIDOT**

Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready

to run over and pull the lever again)

 **JASPER**

(grabs Peridot's hair and holds her still)

No. No. No, no, no! No.

They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Brave knights. You are the best and

brightest in all the land. Today one

of you shall prove himself...

As Jasper and Peridot walk down the tunnel to get into the arena

Peridot is humming the Homeworld theme song.

 **JASPER**

All right. You're going the right way

for a smacked bottom.

 **PERIDOT**

Sorry about that.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

That champion shall have the honor -

\- no, no - - the privilege to go forth

and rescue the lovely Rose

from the acidic keep of the corruption. If

for any reason the winner is unsuccessful,

the first runner-up will take his place

and so on and so forth. Some of you

may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing

to make. (cheers) Let the tournament

begin! (She notices Jasper) Oh! What is

that? It's hideous!

 **JASPER**

Ah, that's not very nice. (turns to look at Peridot and then back

at Yellow Diamond)

It's just a peridot.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who

kills the jasper will be named champion!

Have it her!

 **SOLDIERS**

Get her!

 **JASPER**

Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps

into a table where there are mugs of

beer)

 **CROWD**

Go ahead! Get her!

 **JASPER**

(holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just

settle this over a pint?

 **CROWD**

Kill the beast!

 **JASPER**

No? All right then. (drinks the beer)

Come on!

She takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel

of beer behind her. The beer comes rushing out drenching the

other soldiers and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Jasper slides

past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped.

As Jasper begins to fight Peridot hops up onto one of the larger

beer barrels. It breaks free of its ropes and begins to roll.

Peridot manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much

fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice

to say that Jasper kicks butt.

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, Jasper, tag me! Tag me!

Jasper comes over and bangs a man's head up against Peridot's. Jasper

gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd.

 **JASPER**

Yeah!

A soldier tries to sneak up behind Jasper, but Jasper turns in time

and sees him.

 **WOMAN**

The chair! Give him the chair!

Jasper smashes a chair over the guy's back. Finally all the men

are down. Peridot kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding

sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild.

 **JASPER**

Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you

very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try

the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs)

The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on

Jasper.

 **HEAD GUARD**

Shall I give the order, my diamond?

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

No, I have a better idea. People of

Homeworld, I give you our champion!

 **JASPER**

What?

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Congratulations, quartz. You're won the

honor of embarking on a great and noble

quest.

 **JASPER**

Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest

to get my colony back.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Your colony?

 **JASPER**

Yeah, my colony! Where you dumped those

Crystal Gems!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Indeed. All right, quartz. I'll make you

a deal. Go on this quest for me, and

I'll give you your colony back.

 **JASPER**

Exactly the way it was?

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Down to the last pebble-encrusted toadstool.

 **JASPER**

And the squatters?

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

As good as gone.

 **JASPER**

What kind of quest?

Time Lapse - Peridot and Jasper are now walking through the field

heading away from Homeworld. Jasper is munching on an onion.

 **PERIDOT**

Let me get this straight. You're gonna

go fight a corruption and rescue a human

just so Yellow Diamond will give you back

a swamp which you only don't have because

he filled it full of rebels in the first

place. Is that about right?

 **JASPER**

You know, maybe there's a good reason

peridots shouldn't talk.

 **PERIDOT**

I don't get it. Why don't you just pull

some of that quartz stuff on her? Throttle

him, lay siege to her fortress, grind

her bones to make your bread, the whole

quartz trip.

 **JASPER**

Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have

decapitated an entire village and put

their heads on a pike, gotten a knife,

cut open their spleen and drink their

fluids. Does that sound good to you?

 **PERIDOT**

Uh, no, not really, no.

 **JASPER**

For your information, there's a lot

more to jaspers than people think.

 **PERIDOT**

Example?

 **JASPER**

Example? Okay, um, jaspers are like onions.

(she holds out her onion)

 **PERIDOT**

(sniffs the onion) They stink?

 **JASPER**

Yes - - No!

 **PERIDOT**

They make you cry?

 **JASPER**

No!

 **PERIDOT**

You leave them in the sun, they get

all brown, start sproutin' little white

hairs.

 **JASPER**

No! Layers! Onions have layers. Jaspers

have layers! Onions have layers. You

get it? We both have layers. (she heaves

a sigh and then walks off)

 **PERIDOT**

(trailing after Jasper) Oh, you both

have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know,

not everybody likes onions. Cake! Cakes have layers.

Everybody

loves cakes!

 **JASPER**

I don't care... what everyone likes.

Jaspers are not like cakes.

 **PERIDOT**

You know what else everybody likes?

Parfaits. Have you ever met a person,

you say, "Let's get some parfait," they

say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"?

Parfaits are delicious.

 **JASPER**

No! You dense, irritating, miniature

technical stooge! Jaspers are like onions!

End of story. Bye-bye. See ya later.

 **PERIDOT**

Parfaits may be the most delicious thing

on the whole damn planet.

 **JASPER**

You know, I think I preferred your humming.

 **PERIDOT**

Do you have a tissue or something? I'm

making a mess. Just the word parfait

make me start slobbering.

They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through

a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Jasper trying

to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem,

so Peridot pees on the fire to put it out.

 **CORRUPTION'S KEEP**

Jasper and Peridot are walking up to the keep that's supposed to

house Rose. It appears to look like a giant acid pit.

 **PERIDOT**

(sniffs) Ohh! Jasper! Did you do that?

You gotta warn somebody before you just

crack one off. My mouth was open and

everything.

 **JASPER**

Believe me, Peridot, if it was me, you'd

be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We

must be getting close.

 **PERIDOT**

Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking

about it's the brimstone. I know what

I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It

didn't come off no stone neither.

They climb up the side of the keep and look down. There

is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where

the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling acid. It looks very

foreboding.

 **JASPER**

Sure, it's big enough, but look at the

location. (laughs...then the laugh turns

into a groan)

 **PERIDOT**

Uh, Jasper? Uh, remember when you said

jaspers have layers?

 **JASPER**

Oh, aye.

 **PERIDOT**

Well, I have a bit of a confession to

make. Peridots don't have layers. We

wear our fear right out there on our

sleeves.

 **JASPER**

Wait a second. Peridots don't have sleeves.

 **PERIDOT**

You know what I mean.

 **JASPER**

You can't tell me you're afraid of heights.

 **PERIDOT**

No, I'm just a little uncomfortable

about being on a rickety bridge over

a boiling pit of acid!

 **JASPER**

Come on, Peridot. I'm right here beside

ya, okay? For emotional support. We'll

just tackle this thing together one

little baby step at a time.

 **PERIDOT**

Really?

 **JASPER**

Really, really.

 **PERIDOT**

Okay, that makes me feel so much better.

 **JASPER**

Just keep moving. And don't look down.

 **PERIDOT**

Okay, don't look down. Don't look down.

Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't

look down. (she steps through a rotting

board and ends up looking straight down

into the lava) Jasper! I'm lookin' down!

Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me

off, please!

 **JASPER**

But you're already halfway.

 **PERIDOT**

But I know that half is safe!

 **JASPER**

Okay, fine. I don't have time for this.

You go back.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper, no! Wait!

 **JASPER**

Just, Peridot - - Let's have a dance

then, shall we? (bounces and sways the

bridge)

 **PERIDOT**

Don't do that!

 **JASPER**

Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces

the bridge again)

 **PERIDOT**

Yes, that!

 **JASPER**

Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to

bounce and sway as she backs Peridot across

the bridge)

 **PERIDOT**

No, Jasper! No! Stop it!

 **JASPER**

You said do it! I'm doin' it.

 **PERIDOT**

I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Jasper,

I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground)

Oh!

 **JASPER**

That'll do, Peridot. That'll do. (walks

towards the castle)

 **PERIDOT**

Cool. So where is this acid-breathing

pain-in-the-neck anyway?

 **JASPER**

Inside, waiting for us to rescue her.

(chuckles)

 **PERIDOT**

I was talkin' about the corruption, Jasper.

 **INSIDE THE CASTLE**

 **PERIDOT**

You afraid?

 **JASPER**

No.

 **PERIDOT**

But...

 **JASPER**

Shh.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton

and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong

with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible

response to an unfamiliar situation.

Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might

add. With a corruption that breathes acid

and eats knights and breathes acid,

it sure doesn't mean you're a coward

if you're a little scared. I sure as

heck ain't no coward. I know that.

 **JASPER**

Peridot, two things, okay? Shut ... up.

Now go over there and see if you can

find any stairs.

 **PERIDOT**

Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for

the human.

 **JASPER**

(putting on a helmet) The human will

be up the stairs in the highest room

in the tallest tower.

 **PERIDOT**

What makes you think she'll be there?

 **JASPER**

I read it in a book once. (walks off)

 **PERIDOT**

Cool. You handle the corruption. I'll handle

the stairs. I'll find those stairs.

I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs

won't know which way they're goin'.

(walks off)

 **EMPTY ROOM**

Peridot is still talking to herself as she looks around the room.

 **PERIDOT**

I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it

to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm

the stair master. I've mastered the

stairs. I wish I had a step right here.

I'd step all over it.

 **ELSEWHERE**

Jasper spots a light in the tallest tower window.

 **JASPER**

Well, at least we know where the princess

is, but where's the...

 **PERIDOT**

Corruption!

Peridot gasps and takes off running as the corruption roars again.

Jasper manages to grab Peridot out of the way just as the corruption

breathes acid.

 **JASPER**

Peridot, look out! (she manages to get

a hold of the corruption's tail and holds

on) Got ya!

The corruption gets irritated at this and flicks its tail and Jasper

goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the

tallest tower. Rose wakes up with a jerk and looks at her lying

on the floor.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh! Aah! Aah!

Peridot get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small

part of the bridge she's on.

 **PERIDOT**

No. Oh, no, No! (the corruption roars) Oh,

what large mandibles you have. (the corruption

growls) I mean nice, strong mandibles.

I know you probably hear this all time

from your food, but you must clean real well,

'cause that is one dazzling smile you

got there. Do I detect a hint of minty

freshness? And you know what else? You're

\- - You're a Centipeetle! Oh, sure!

I mean, of course you're a Centipeetle.

You're just reeking of feminine beauty.

(the corruption begins fluttering her eyes

at her) What's the matter with you?

You got something in your gem? Ohh.

Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay,

but you know, I'm, uh...(the corruption

blows an acidic smoke ring in the shape of a

heart right at her, and she coughs) I'm

an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd

work out if you're gonna blow smoke

rings. Jasper! (the corruption picks her

up with her mandibles and carries her off)

No! Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!

 **ROSE'S ROOM**

Jasper groans as she gets up off the floor. Her back is to Rose

so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She

then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off

the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep.

Jasper turns and goes over to her. She looks down at Rose for

a moment and she puckers her lips. Jasper takes her by the shoulders

and shakes her away.

 **ROSE**

Oh! Oh!

 **JASPER**

Wake up!

 **ROSE**

What?

 **JASPER**

Are you Rose?

 **ROSE**

I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to

rescue me.

 **JASPER**

Oh, that's nice. Now let's go!

 **ROSE**

But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our

first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful,

romantic moment?

 **JASPER**

Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time.

 **ROSE**

Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should

sweep me off my feet out yonder window

and down a rope onto your valiant steed.

 **JASPER**

You've had a lot of time to plan this,

haven't you?

 **ROSE**

(smiles) Mm-hmm.

Jasper breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down

the hallway.

 **ROSE**

But we have to savor this moment! You

could recite an epic poem for me. A

ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something!

 **JASPER**

I don't think so.

 **ROSE**

Can I at least know the name of my champion?

 **JASPER**

Uh, Jasper.

 **ROSE**

Sir Jasper. (clears throat and holds

out a handkerchief) I pray that you

take this favor as a token of my gratitude.

 **JASPER**

Thanks!

Suddenly they hear the corruption roar.

 **ROSE**

(surprised)You didn't slay the corruption?

 **JASPER**

It's on my to-do list. Now come on!

(takes off running and drags Rose behind

him.)

 **ROSE**

But this isn't right! You were meant

to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying.

That's what all the other knights did.

 **JASPER**

Yeah, right before they burst into flame.

 **ROSE**

That's not the point. (Jasper suddenly

stops and she runs into her.) Oh! (Jasper

ignores her and heads for a wooden door

off to the side.) Wait. Where are you

going? The exit's over there.

 **JASPER**

Well, I have to save my smartass.

 **ROSE**

What kind of knight are you?

 **JASPER**

One of a kind. (opens the door into

the throne room)

 **PERIDOT**

Slow down. Slow down, baby, please.

I believe it's healthy to get to know

someone over a long period of time.

Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs

worriedly) (we see her up close and

from a distance as Jasper sneaks into

the room) I don't want to rush into

a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally

ready for a commitment of, uh, this

\- - Magnitude really is the word I'm

looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that

is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what

are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just

back up a little and take this one step

at a time. We really should get to know

each other first as friends or pen pals.

I'm on the road a lot, but I just love

receiving cards - - I'd really love

to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's

my hair! That's my personal hair. You're

gonna tear it off. I don't give permission

\- - What are you gonna do with that?

Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No.

No, no, no. No! Oh!

Jasper grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings

toward the corruption. She misses and she swings back again. She looks

up and spots that the chandelier is right above the corruption's head.

She pulls on the chain and it releases and she falls down and bumps

Peridot out of the way right as the corruption is about to kiss her.

Instead the corruption kisses Jasper's butt. She opens her eyes and

roars. Jasper lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto

her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms

a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Jasper and Peridot

take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Jasper grabs Peridot and

then grabs Rose as she runs past her.

 **PERIDOT**

Hi, human!

 **ROSE**

It talks!

 **JASPER**

Yeah, it's getting her to shut up that's

the trick.

They all start screaming as the corruption gains on them. Jasper spots

a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a

crack in the stone and it hits Jasper right in the groin. Her

eyes cross and as she reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles

off and walks lightly.

 **JASPER**

Oh!

Jasper gets them close to the exit and sets down Peridot and Rose.

 **JASPER**

Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll

take care of the dragon.

Jasper grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the

castle. She throws the sword down in between several overlapping

chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that

is still around the corruption's neck.

 **JASPER**

(echoing) Run!

They all take off running for the exit with the corruption in hot

pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The corruption

breathes acid and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on

for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They

are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look

in horror as the corruption makes to jump over the boiling acid to

get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerks the

corruption back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs

quickly to safety as the Centipeetle looks angry and then gives a

sad whimper as she watches Peridot walk away.

 **ROSE**

(sliding down the hill) You

did it! You rescued me! You're amazing.

(behind her Peridot falls down the hill)

You're - - You're wonderful. You're...

(turns and sees Jasper fall down the

hill and bump into Peridot) a little

unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed

is great, and thy heart is pure. I am

eternally in your debt. (Peridot clears

his throat.) And where would a brave

knight be without his noble companion?

 **PERIDOT**

I hope you heard that. She called me

a noble companion. She thinks I'm a companion.

 **ROSE**

The battle is won. You may remove your

helmet, good Sir Knight.

 **JASPER**

Uh, no.

 **ROSE**

Why not?

 **JASPER**

I have helmet hair.

 **ROSE**

Please. I would'st look upon the face

of my rescuer.

 **JASPER**

No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st.

 **ROSE**

But how will you kiss me?

 **JASPER**

What? (to Peridot) That wasn't in the

job description.

 **PERIDOT**

Maybe it's a perk.

 **ROSE**

No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know

how it goes. A human locked in a

tower and beset by a beast is rescued

by a brave knight, and then they share

true love's first kiss.

 **PERIDOT**

Hmm? With Jasper? You think- - Wait.

Wait. You think that Jasper is you true

love?

 **ROSE**

Well, yes.

Both Peridot and Jasper burst out laughing.

 **PERIDOT**

You think Jasper is your true love!

 **ROSE**

What is so funny?

 **JASPER**

Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?

 **ROSE**

Of course, you are. You're my rescuer.

Now - - Now remove your helmet.

 **JASPER**

Look. I really don't think this is a

good idea.

 **ROSE**

Just take off the helmet.

 **JASPER**

I'm not going to.

 **ROSE**

Take it off.

 **JASPER**

No!

 **ROSE**

Now!

 **JASPER**

Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness.

(takes off his helmet)

 **ROSE**

You- - You're a- - a jasper.

 **JASPER**

Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming.

 **ROSE**

Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is

all wrong. You're not supposed to be

a jasper.

 **JASPER**

Human, I was sent to rescue you by

Yellow Diamond, okay? She is the one who

wants to marry you.

 **ROSE**

Then why didn't she come rescue me?

 **JASPER**

Good question. You should ask her that

when we get there.

 **ROSE**

But I have to be rescued by my true

love, not by some quartz and his- - his

crony.

 **PERIDOT**

Well, so much for noble companion.

 **JASPER**

You're not making my job any easier.

 **ROSE**

I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem.

You can tell Yellow Diamond that if she

wants to rescue me properly, I'll be

waiting for her right here.

 **JASPER**

Hey! I'm no one's pearl, all

right? (ominous) I'm a quartz.

(she swiftly picks her up and swings

her over her shoulder like she was a

sack of potatoes)

 **ROSE**

You wouldn't dare. Put me down!

 **JASPER**

Ya comin', Peridot?

 **PERIDOT**

I'm right behind ya.

 **ROSE**

Put me down, or you will suffer the

consequences! This is not dignified!

Put me down!

 **WOODS**

A little time has passed and Rose has calmed down. She just

hangs there limply while Jasper carries her.

 **PERIDOT**

Okay, so here's another question. Say

there's a woman that digs you, right,

but you don't really like her that way.

How do you let her down real easy so

her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't

get burned to a crisp and eaten?

 **ROSE**

You just tell her she's not your true

love. Everyone knows what happens when

you find your...(Jasper drops her on

the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to

Homeworld the better.

 **PERIDOT**

You're gonna love it there, Princess.

It's beautiful!

 **ROSE**

And what of my groom-to-be? Yellow Diamond?

What's she like?

 **JASPER**

Let me put it this way, human. Gems

of Yellow Diamond's stature are in tall order.

(he and Peridot laugh)

Jasper then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off

the dust and grime.

 **PERIDOT**

I don't know. There are those who think

highly of her. (they laugh again)

 **ROSE**

Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're

just jealous you can never measure up

to a great ruler like Yellow Diamond.

 **JASPER**

Yeah, well, maybe you're right, human.

But I'll let you do the "measuring"

when you see her tomorrow.

 **ROSE**

(looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow?

It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop

to make camp?

 **JASPER**

No, that'll take longer. We can keep

going.

 **ROSE**

But there's robbers in the woods.

 **PERIDOT**

Whoa! Time out, Jasper! Camp is starting

to sound good.

 **JASPER**

Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything

we're going to see in this forest.

 **ROSE**

I need to find somewhere to camp now!

Both Peridot and Jasper's ears lower as they shrink away from her.

 **MOUNTAIN CLIFF**

Jasper has found a cave that appears to be in good order. She shoves

a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave.

 **JASPER**

Hey! Over here.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper, we can do better than that. I

don't think this is fit for a human.

 **ROSE**

No, no, it's perfect. It just needs

a few homey touches.

 **JASPER**

Homey touches? Like what? (she hears

a tearing noise and looks over at Rose

who has torn the bark off of a tree.)

 **ROSE**

A door? Well, gems, I bid thee

good night. (goes into the cave and

puts the bark door up behind her)

 **PERIDOT**

You want me to read you a bedtime story?

I will.

 **ROSE**

I said good night!

Jasper looks at Peridot for a second and then goes to move the

boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Rose

still inside.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper, What are you doing?

 **JASPER**

(laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh,

come on. I was just kidding.

 **LATER THAT NIGHT**

Jasper and Peridot are sitting around a campfire. They are staring

up into the sky as Jasper points out certain star constellations

to Peridot.

 **JASPER**

And, uh, that one, that's Throwback,

the only quartz to ever spit over three

wheat fields.

 **PERIDOT**

Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future

from these stars?

 **JASPER**

The stars don't tell the future, Peridot.

They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut,

the Flatulent. You can guess what she's

famous for.

 **PERIDOT**

I know you're making this up.

 **JASPER**

No, look. There she is, and there's the

group of hunters running away from her

stench.

 **PERIDOT**

That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little

dots.

 **JASPER**

You know, Peridot, sometimes things are

more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it.

 **PERIDOT**

(heaves a big sigh) Hey, Jasper, what

we gonna do when we get our colony anyway?

 **JASPER**

Our colony?

 **PERIDOT**

You know, when we're through rescuing

the human.

 **JASPER**

We? Peridot, there's no "we". There's

no "our". There's just me and my colony.

The first thing I'm gonna do is build

a ten-foot wall around my land.

 **PERIDOT**

You cut me deep, Jasper. You cut me real

deep just now. You know what I think?

I think this whole wall thing is just

a way to keep somebody out.

 **JASPER**

No, do ya think?

 **PERIDOT**

Are you hidin' something?

 **JASPER**

Never mind, Peridot.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, this is another one of those onion

things, isn't it?

 **JASPER**

No, this is one of those drop-it and

leave-it alone things.

 **PERIDOT**

Why don't you want to talk about it?

 **JASPER**

Why do you want to talk about it?

 **PERIDOT**

Why are you blocking?

 **JASPER**

I'm not blocking.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, yes, you are.

 **JASPER**

Peridot, I'm warning you.

 **PERIDOT**

Who you trying to keep out?

 **JASPER**

Everyone! Okay?

 **PERIDOT**

(pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere.

(grins)

At this point Rose pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to

the cave and peaks out. Neither of them see her.

 **JASPER**

Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and

walks over to the edge of the cliff

and sits down)

 **PERIDOT**

What's your problem? What you got against

the whole world anyway?

 **JASPER**

Look, I'm not the one with the problem,

okay? It's the world that seems to have

a problem with me. People take one look

at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big,

stupid, ugly jasper!" They judge me before

they even know me. That's why I'm better

off alone.

 **PERIDOT**

You know what? When we met, I didn't

think you was just a big, stupid, ugly

jasper.

 **JASPER**

Yeah, I know.

 **PERIDOT**

So, uh, are there any Peridots up there?

 **JASPER**

Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small

and Annoying.

 **PERIDOT**

Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny

one, right there. That one there?

Rose puts the door back.

 **JASPER**

That's the moon.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, okay.

Homeworld – Yellow Diamond's Bedroom

The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays

in the background. Yellow Diamond is in bed, watching as Lapis Lazuli

shows her Rose.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror,

show her to me. Show me the human.

 **LAPIS**

Hmph.

The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Ah. Perfect.

Yellow Diamond looks down at her bare chest and pulls the sheet up

to cover herself as though Rose could see her as she gazes sheepishly

at her image in the mirror.

 **MORNING**

Rose walks out of the cave. She glances at Jasper and Peridot

who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes

across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along

with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles

to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too

big and the bird explodes. Rose looks a little sheepish, but

she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Rose

is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Jasper and Peridot are still

sleeping. Jasper wakes up and looks at Rose. Peridot's talking

in his sleep.

 **PERIDOT**

(quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like

it like that. Come on, baby. I said

I like it.

 **JASPER**

Peridot, wake up. (shakes her)

 **PERIDOT**

Huh? What?

 **JASPER**

Wake up.

 **PERIDOT**

What? (stretches and yawns)

 **ROSE**

Good morning. Hm, how do you like your

eggs?

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, good morning, human!

Rose gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them.

 **JASPER**

What's all this about?

 **ROSE**

You know, we kind of got off to a bad

start yesterday. I wanted to make it

up to you. I mean, after all, you did

rescue me.

 **JASPER**

Uh, thanks.

Peridot sniffs the eggs and licks his lips.

 **ROSE**

Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead

of us. (walks off)

 **LATER**

They are once again on their way. They are walking through the

forest. Jasper belches.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper!

 **JASPER**

What? It's a compliment. Better out

than in, I always say. (laughs)

 **PERIDOT**

Well, it's no way to behave in front

of a human.

Rose belches

 **ROSE**

Thanks.

 **PERIDOT**

She's as nasty as you are.

 **JASPER**

(chuckles) You know, you're not exactly

what I expected.

 **ROSE**

Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people

before you get to know them.

She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly

from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Rose up into

a tree.

 **KEVIN HOOD**

La liberte! Hey!

 **JASPER**

Human!

 **ROSE**

(to Kevin Hood) What are you doing?

 **KEVIN HOOD**

Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior!

And I am rescuing you from this orange...(kisses

up her arm while Rose pulls back in

disgust)...beast.

 **JASPER**

Hey! That's my human! Go find you

own!

 **KEVIN HOOD**

Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a

little busy here?

 **ROSE**

(getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't

know who you think you are!

 **KEVIN HOOD**

Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please

let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men.

(laughs)

Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out

from the bushes. They begin to sing Kevin's theme song.

 **MERRY MEN**

Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo.

 **KEVIN HOOD**

I steal from the poor and give to the

rich.

 **MERRY MEN**

He takes a large amount,

 **KEVIN HOOD**

But I'm not a bitch. I rescue pretty

women, man, I'm good.

 **MERRY MEN**

What a guy, Kevin Hood.

 **KEVIN HOOD**

Break it down. I like an honest race

and a saucy little maid...

 **MERRY MEN**

What he's basically saying is he likes

to get...

 **KEVIN HOOD**

Laid. So...When a jasper in the bush

grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad.

 **MERRY MEN**

That's bad.

 **KEVIN HOOD**

When a beauty's with a beast it makes

me awfully mad.

 **MERRY MEN**

He's mad, he's really, really mad.

 **KEVIN HOOD**

I'll take my blade and ram it through

your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys

'cause I'm about to start...

There is a grunt as Rose swings down from the tree limb and

knocks Kevin Hood unconscious.

 **ROSE**

Man, that was annoying!

Jasper looks at her in admiration.

 **MERRY MAN**

Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at

Rose but she ducks out of the way)

The arrow flies toward Peridot who jumps into Jasper's arms to

get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree.

Another fight sequence begins and Rose gives a karate yell and

then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is

a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Rose pauses in

mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down,

and Rose begins walking away.

 **ROSE**

Uh, shall we?

 **JASPER**

Hold the phone. (drops Peridot and begins

walking after Rose) Oh! Whoa, whoa,

whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come

from?

 **ROSE**

What?

 **JASPER**

That! Back there. That was amazing!

Where did you learn that?

 **ROSE**

Well...(laughs) when one lives alone,

uh, one has to learn these things in

case there's a...(gasps and points)

there's an arrow in your butt!

 **JASPER**

What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you

look at that? (she goes to pull it out

but flinches because it's tender)

 **ROSE**

Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so

sorry.

 **PERIDOT**

(walking up) Why? What's wrong?

 **ROSE**

Jasper's hurt.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper's hurt. Jasper's hurt? Oh, no,

Jasper's gonna die.

 **JASPER**

Peridot, I'm okay.

 **PERIDOT**

You can't do this to me, Jasper. I'm

too young for you to die. Keep your legs

elevated. Turn your head and cough.

Does anyone know the Heimlich?

 **ROSE**

Peridot! Calm down. If you want to help

Jasper, run into the woods and find me

a blue flower with red thorns.

 **PERIDOT**

Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on

it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die

Jasper. If you see a long tunnel, stay

away from the light!

 **JASPER & ROSE**

Peridot!

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns.

(runs off)

 **JASPER**

What are the flowers for?

 **ROSE**

(like it's obvious) For getting rid

of Peridot.

 **JASPER**

Ah.

 **ROSE**

Now you hold still, and I'll yank this

thing out. (gives the arrow a little

pull)

 **JASPER**

(jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the

yankin'.

As they continue to talk Rose keeps going after the arrow and

Jasper keeps dodging her hands.

 **ROSE**

I'm sorry, but it has to come out.

 **JASPER**

No, it's tender.

 **ROSE**

Now, hold on.

 **JASPER**

What you're doing is the opposite of

help.

 **ROSE**

Don't move.

 **JASPER**

Look, time out.

 **ROSE**

Would you...(grunts as Jasper puts her

hand over her face to stop her from

getting at the arrow) Okay. What do

you propose we do?

 **ELSEWHERE**

Peridot is still looking for the special flower.

 **PERIDOT**

Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower,

red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns.

This would be so much easier if I knew what a flower was!

Blue flower, red thorns.

 **JASPER**

(offscreen) Ow!

 **PERIDOT**

Hold on, Jasper! I'm comin'! (rips a

flower off a nearby bush that just happens

to be a blue flower with red thorns)

 **THE FOREST PATH**

 **JASPER**

Ow! Not good.

 **ROSE**

Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head.

(Jasper grunts as she pulls) It's just

about...

 **JASPER**

Ow! Ohh! (she jerks and manages to fall

over with Rose on top of her)

 **PERIDOT**

Ahem.

 **JASPER**

(throwing Rose off of him) Nothing

happened. We were just, uh - -

 **PERIDOT**

Look, if you wanted to be alone, all

you had to do was ask. Okay?

 **JASPER**

Oh, come on! That's the last thing on

my mind. The human here was just-

\- (Rose pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (she

turns to look at Rose who holds up

the arrow with a smile) Ow!

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle)

That's...is that blood?

Peridot faints. Jasper walks over and picks her up as they continue

on their way.

There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to Homeworld.

Jasper crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a

small brook so that Rose won't get wet. Jasper then gets up as

Peridot is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back

into its upright position and Peridot flies off. Jasper swatting

at a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Rose grabs a nearby spiderweb

that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it

around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Jasper who begins

eating like it's a treat. As she walks off she licks her fingers.

Jasper catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting

it to Rose. Rose catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning

it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Jasper. The group

arriving at a windmill that is near Homeworld.

 **WINDMILL**

 **JASPER**

There it is, human. Your future awaits

you.

 **ROSE**

That's Homeworld?

 **PERIDOT**

Yeah, I know. You know, Jasper thinks

Yellow Diamond's compensating for something,

which I think means she has a really...(Jasper

steps on her foot) Ow!

 **JASPER**

Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move

on.

 **ROSE**

Sure. But, Jasper? I'm - - I'm worried

about Peridot.

 **JASPER**

What?

 **ROSE**

I mean, look at her. She doesn't look

so good.

 **PERIDOT**

What are you talking about? I'm fine.

 **ROSE**

(kneels to look her in the eyes) That's

what they always say, and then next

thing you know, you're on your back.

(pause) Dead.

 **JASPER**

You know, she's right. You look awful.

Do you want to sit down?

 **ROSE**

Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea.

 **PERIDOT**

I didn't want to say nothin', but I

got this twinge in my neck, and when

I turn my head like this, look, (turns

his neck in a very sharp way until his

head is completely sideways) Ow! See?

 **JASPER**

Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner.

 **ROSE**

I'll get the firewood.

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't

feel my toes! (looks down and yelps)

I don't have any toes! I think I need

a hug.

 **SUNSET**

Jasper has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while

Rose eats.

 **ROSE**

Mmm. This is good. This is really good.

What is this?

 **JASPER**

Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style.

 **ROSE**

No kidding. Well, this is delicious.

 **JASPER**

Well, they're also great in stews. Now,

I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean

weed rat stew. (chuckles)

Rose looks at Homeworld and sighs.

 **ROSE**

I guess I'll be dining a little differently

tomorrow night.

 **JASPER**

Maybe you can come visit me at the colony

sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff

for you. Toad soup, fish eye tartare

\- - you name it.

 **ROSE**

(smiles) I'd like that.

They smile at each other.

 **JASPER**

Um, human?

 **ROSE**

Yes, Jasper?

 **JASPER**

I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs)

Are you gonna eat that?

 **PERIDOT**

(chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic?

Just look at that sunset.

 **ROSE**

(jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's

late. I-It's very late.

 **JASPER**

What?

 **PERIDOT**

Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on

here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't

you?

 **ROSE**

Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified.

You know, I'd better go inside.

 **PERIDOT**

Don't feel bad, human. I used to

be afraid of the dark, too, until -

\- Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of

the dark.

Jasper sighs

 **ROSE**

Good night.

 **JASPER**

Good night.

Rose goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Peridot looks

at Jasper with a new eye.

 **PERIDOT**

Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on

here.

 **JASPER**

Oh, what are you talkin' about?

 **PERIDOT**

I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm

a peridot, and I got instincts. And

I know you two were diggin' on each

other. I could feel it.

 **JASPER**

You're crazy. I'm just bringing her

back to Yellow Diamond.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, come on, Jasper. Wake up and smell

the pheromones. Just go on in and tell

her how you feel.

 **JASPER**

I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides,

even if I did tell her that, well, you

know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause

I don't - - she's a human, and I'm

 **PERIDOT**

A quartz?

 **JASPER**

Yeah. A quartz.

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, where you goin'?

 **JASPER**

To get... more firewood. (sighs)

Peridot looks over at the large pile of firewood there already

is.

 **TIME LAPSE**

Peridot opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Rose is

nowhere to be seen.

 **PERIDOT**

Human? Rose? Human,

where are you? Human?

Rose looks at Peridot from the shadows, but we can't see her.

 **PERIDOT**

It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing

no games.

Suddenly Rose falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't

look like herself. She looks like a quartz and Peridot starts freaking

out.

 **PERIDOT**

Aah!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Oh, no!

 **PERIDOT**

No, help!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Shh!

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

No, it's okay. It's okay.

 **PERIDOT**

What did you do with the human?

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Peridot, I'm the human.

 **PERIDOT**

Aah!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

It's me, in this body.

 **PERIDOT**

Oh, my God! You ate the human. (to

her stomach) Can you hear me?

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Peridot!

 **PERIDOT**

(still aimed at her stomach) Listen,

keep breathing! I'll get you out of

there!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

No!

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper! Jasper! Jasper!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Shh.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

This is me.

Peridot looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and she quiets

down.

 **PERIDOT**

Princess? What happened to you? You're,

uh, uh, uh, different.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

I'm ugly, okay?

 **PERIDOT**

Well, yeah! Was it something you ate?

'Cause I told Jasper those rats was a

bad idea. You are what you eat, I said.

Now - -

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

No. I - - I've been this way as long

as I can remember.

 **PERIDOT**

What do you mean? Look, I ain't never

seen you like this before.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

It only happens when sun goes down.

"By night one way, by day another. This

shall be the norm... until you find

true love's first kiss... and then take

love's true form."

 **PERIDOT**

Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know

you wrote poetry.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little

girl, a gem cast a spell on me. Every

night I become this. This horrible,

ugly beast! I was placed in a tower

to await the day my true love would

rescue me. That's why I have to marry

Yellow Diamond tomorrow before the sun

sets and she sees me like this. (begins

to cry)

 **PERIDOT**

All right, all right. Calm down. Look,

it's not that bad. You're not that ugly.

Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly.

But you only look like this at night.

Jasper's ugly 24-7.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

But Peridot, I'm a human, and this

is not how a human is meant to look.

 **PERIDOT**

Human, how 'bout if you don't marry

Yellow Diamond?

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

I have to. Only my true love's kiss

can break the spell.

 **PERIDOT**

But, you know, um, you're kind of a

quartz, and Jasper - - well, you got a

lot in common.

 **ROSE**

Jasper?

 **OUTSIDE**

Jasper is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in her

hand.

 **JASPER**

(to herself) Human, I - - Uh, how's

it going, first of all? Good? Um, good

for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower

and thought of you because it's pretty

and - - well, I don't really like it,

but I thought you might like it 'cause

you're pretty. But I like you anyway.

I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble.

Okay, here we go.

She walks up to the door and pauses outside when she hears Peridot

and Rose talking.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

(offscreen) I can't just marry whoever I want.

Take a good look at me, Peridot. I mean,

really, who can ever love a beast so

hideous and ugly? "Human" and "ugly"

don't go together. That's why I can't

stay here with Jasper.

Jasper steps back in shock.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

(offscreen) My only chance to live happily

ever after is to marry my true love.

Jasper heaves a deep sigh. She throws the flower down and walks

away.

 **INSIDE**

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Don't you see, Peridot? That's just how

it has to be. It's the only way to break

the spell.

 **PERIDOT**

You at least gotta tell Jasper the truth.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

No! You can't breathe a word. No one

must ever know.

 **PERIDOT**

What's the point of being able to talk

if you gotta keep secrets?

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Promise you won't tell. Promise!

 **PERIDOT**

All right, all right. I won't tell her.

But you should. (goes outside) I just

know before this is over, I'm gonna

need a whole lot of serious therapy.

Look at my eye twitchin'.

Rose comes out the door and watches her walk away. She looks

down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back

inside the windmill.

 **MORNING**

Peridot is asleep. Jasper is nowhere to be seen. Rose is still

awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

I tell her, I tell her not. I tell her,

I tell her not. I tell her. (she quickly

runs to the door and goes outside) Jasper!

Jasper, there's something I want...(she

looks and sees the rising sun, and as

the sun crests the sky she turns back

into a human.)

Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Jasper stomping towards

her.

 **ROSE**

Jasper. Are you all right?

 **JASPER**

Perfect! Never been better.

 **ROSE**

I - - I don't - - There's something

I have to tell you.

 **JASPER**

You don't have to tell me anything,

human. I heard enough last night.

 **ROSE**

You heard what I said?

 **JASPER**

Every word.

 **ROSE**

I thought you'd understand.

 **JASPER**

Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who

could love a hideous, ugly beast?"

 **ROSE**

But I thought that wouldn't matter to

you.

 **JASPER**

Yeah? Well, it does. (Rose looks at

him in shock. She looks past her and

spots a group approaching.) Ah, right

on time. Human, I've brought you

a little something.

Yellow Diamond has arrived with a group of her men. She looks very regal

sitting up on her horse.

Peridot wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers

march by.

 **PERIDOT**

What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots

the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that?

Couldn't have been the peridot.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Rose.

 **JASPER**

As promised. Now hand it over.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Very well, quartz. (holds out a piece

of paper) The deed to your colony, cleared

out, as agreed. Take it and go before

I change my mind. (Jasper takes the paper)

Forgive me, human, for startling

you, but you startled me, for I have

never seen such a radiant beauty before.

I'm Yellow Diamond.

 **ROSE**

Yellow Diamond? Oh, no, no.

Forgive me, my diamond,

for I was just saying a short... (Watches

as Yellow Diamond steps off her horse.

Rose comes up to her knees.)

farewell.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have

to waste good manners on the jasper. It's

not like it has feelings.

 **ROSE**

No, you're right. It doesn't.

Peridot watches this exchange with a curious look on her face.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Rose, beautiful, fair, flawless

Rose. I ask your hand in marriage.

Will you be the perfect bride for the

perfect groom?

 **ROSE**

Yellow Diamond, I accept. Nothing would

make - -

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

(interrupting) Excellent! I'll start

the plans, for tomorrow we wed!

 **ROSE**

No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get

married today before the sun sets.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Oh, anxious, are you? You're right.

The sooner, the better. There's so much

to do! There's the caterer, the cake,

the band, the guest list. Captain, round

up some guests! (a guard puts Rose

on the back of her horse)

 **ROSE**

Fare-thee-well, quartz.

Yellow Diamond's whole party begins to head back to Homeworld. Peridot watches

them go.

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper, what are you doing? You're letting

her get away.

 **JASPER**

Yeah? So what?

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper, there's something about her you

don't know. Look, I talked to her last

night, She's - -

 **JASPER**

I know you talked to her last night.

You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if

you two are such good friends, why don't

you follow her home?

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper, I - - I wanna go with you.

 **JASPER**

I told you, didn't I? You're not coming

home with me. I live alone! My colony!

Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody!

Especially useless, pathetic, annoying,

talking peridots!

 **PERIDOT**

But I thought - -

 **JASPER**

Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong!

(stomps off)

 **PERIDOT**

Jasper.

Montage of different scenes. Jasper arriving back home. Rose

being fitted for the wedding dress. Peridot at a stream running

into the corruption. Jasper cleaning up her house. Rose eating dinner

alone. Jasper eating dinner alone.

 **JASPER'S HOME**

Jasper is eating dinner when she hears a sound outside. She goes

outside to investigate.

 **JASPER**

Peridot? (Peridot ignores her and continues

with what she's doing.) What are you

doing?

 **PERIDOT**

I would think, of all people, you would

recognize a wall when you see one.

 **JASPER**

Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed

to go around my colony, not through it.

 **PERIDOT**

It is around your half. See that's your

half, and this is my half.

 **JASPER**

Oh! Your half. Hmm.

 **PERIDOT**

Yes, my half. I helped rescue the human.

I did half the work. I get half the

booty. Now hand me that big old rock,

the one that looks like your head.

 **JASPER**

Back off!

 **PERIDOT**

No, you back off.

 **JASPER**

This is my colony!

 **PERIDOT**

Our colony.

 **JASPER**

(grabs the tree branch Peridot is working

with) Let go, Peridot!

 **PERIDOT**

You let go.

 **JASPER**

Stubborn jackass!

 **PERIDOT**

Smelly jasper.

 **JASPER**

Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks

away)

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through

with you yet.

 **JASPER**

Well, I'm through with you.

 **PERIDOT**

Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always,

"Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now

it's my turn! So you just shut up and

pay attention! You are mean to me. You

insult me and you don't appreciate anything

that I do! You're always pushing me

around or pushing me away.

 **JASPER**

Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so

bad, how come you came back?

 **PERIDOT**

Because that's what friends do! They

forgive each other!

 **JASPER**

Oh, yeah. You're right, Peridot. I forgive

you... for stabbin' me in the back!

(goes into the outhouse and slams the

door)

 **PERIDOT**

Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers,

onion gem, you're afraid of your own

feelings.

 **JASPER**

(offscreen) Go away!

 **PERIDOT**

There you are, doing it again just

like you did to Rose. All she ever

do was like you, maybe even love you.

 **JASPER**

(offscreen) Love me? She said I was ugly, a

hideous creature. I heard the two of

you talking.

 **PERIDOT**

She wasn't talkin' about you. She was

talkin' about, uh, somebody else.

 **JASPER**

(opens the door and comes out) She wasn't

talking about me? Well, then who was

she talking about?

 **PERIDOT**

Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything.

You don't wanna listen to me. Right?

Right?

 **JASPER**

Peridot!

 **PERIDOT**

No!

 **JASPER**

Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh)

I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big,

stupid, ugly jasper. Can you forgive me?

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, that's what friends are for, right?

 **JASPER**

Right. Friends?

 **PERIDOT**

Friends.

 **JASPER**

So, um, what did Rose say about me?

 **PERIDOT**

What are you asking me for? Why don't

you just go ask her?

 **JASPER**

The wedding! We'll never make it in

time.

 **PERIDOT**

Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's

a will, there's a way and I have a way.

(whistles)

Suddenly the corruption arrives overhead and floats low enough so

they can climb on.

 **JASPER**

Peridot?

 **PERIDOT**

I guess it's just my animal magnetism.

They both laugh.

 **JASPER**

Aw, come here, you. (gives Peridot a

noogie)

 **PERIDOT**

All right, all right. Don't get all

slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All

right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't

had a chance to install the seat belts

yet.

They climb aboard the Centipeetle and she takes off for Homeworld.

 **YELLOW CHURCH**

Rose and Yellow Diamond are getting married. The whole town is there.

The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'.

 **PRIEST**

People of Homeworld, we gather here today

to bear witness to the union...

 **ROSE**

(eyeing the setting sun) Um-

 **PRIEST**

...of our new king...

 **ROSE**

Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead

to the "I do's"?

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

(chuckles and then motions to the priest

to indulge Rose) Go on.

 **YELLOW COURTYARD**

Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the Centipeetle lands with

a boom. The guards all take off running.

 **PERIDOT**

(to Centi) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN.

If we need you, I'll whistle. How about

that? (she nods and goes after the guards)

Jasper, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You

wanna do this right, don't you?

 **JASPER**

(at the Church door) What are you talking

about?

 **PERIDOT**

There's a line you gotta wait for. The

preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or

forever hold your peace." That's when

you say, "I object!"

 **JASPER**

I don't have time for this!

 **PERIDOT**

Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen

to me! Look, you love this woman, don't

you?

 **JASPER**

Yes.

 **PERIDOT**

You wanna hold her?

 **JASPER**

Yes.

 **PERIDOT**

Please her?

 **JASPER**

Yes!

 **PERIDOT**

(singing James Brown style) Then you

got to, got to try a little tenderness.

(normal) The chicks love that romantic

crap!

 **JASPER**

All right! Cut it out. When does this

guy say the line?

 **PERIDOT**

We gotta check it out.

 **INSIDE CHURCH**

As the priest talks we see Peridot's shadow through one of the

windows Jasper tosses her up so she can see.

 **PRIEST**

And so, by the power invested in me...

Outside

 **JASPER**

What do you see?

 **PERIDOT**

The whole town's in there.

Inside

 **PRIEST**

I now pronounce you husband and wife...

Outside

 **PERIDOT**

They're at the altar.

Inside

 **PRIEST**

...king and queen.

Outside

 **PERIDOT**

Mother Fletcher! He already said it.

 **JASPER**

Oh, for the love of Pete!

He runs inside without catching Peridot, who hits the ground hard.

 **INSIDE CHURCH**

 **JASPER**

(running toward the alter) I object!

 **ROSE**

Jasper?

The whole congregation gasps as they see Jasper.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Oh, now what does he want?

 **JASPER**

(to congregation as he reaches the front

of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin'

a good time, are ya? I love Homeworld, first

of all. Very clean.

 **ROSE**

What are you doing here?

 **JASPER**

Really, it's rude enough being alive

when no one wants you, but showing up

uninvited to a wedding...

 **JASPER**

Rose! I need to talk to you.

 **ROSE**

Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little

late for that, so if you'll excuse me

 **JASPER**

But you can't marry her.

 **ROSE**

And why not?

 **JASPER**

Because- - Because she's just marring

you so she can be a diamond.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Outrageous! Rose, don't listen to her.

 **JASPER**

She's not your true love.

 **ROSE**

And what do you know about true love?

 **JASPER**

Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - -

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Oh, this is precious. The jasper has fallen

in love with the human! Oh, good

Lord. (laughs)

The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The

whole congregation laughs.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

A quartz and a human!

 **ROSE**

Jasper, is this true?

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Who cares? It's preposterous! Rose,

my love, we're but a kiss away from

our "happily ever after." Now kiss me!

(puckers her lips and leans toward her,

but she pulls back.)

 **ROSE**

(looking at the setting sun) "By night

one way, by day another." (to Jasper)

I wanted to show you before.

She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her quartz self.

She gives Jasper a sheepish smile.

 **JASPER**

Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Rose

smiles)

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards!

I order you to get that out of my sight

now! Get them! Get them both!

The guards run in and separate Rose and Jasper. Jasper fights

them.

 **JASPER**

No, no!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Jasper!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This

marriage is binding, and that makes

me a diamond! See? See?

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

No, let go of me! Jasper!

 **JASPER**

No!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

Don't just stand there, you morons.

 **JASPER**

Get out of my way! Rose! Arrgh!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

I'll make you regret the day we met.

I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll

beg for death to save you!

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

No, Jasper!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

(holds a dagger to Rose's throat) And

as for you, my wife...

 **JASPER**

Rose!

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

I'll have you locked back in that tower

for the rest of your days! I'm a diamond!

Jasper manages to get a hand free and she whistles.

 **YELLOW DIAMOND**

I will have order! I will have perfection!

I will have - - (Peridot and the corruption

show up and the Centipeetle leans down and

eats Yellow Diamond) Aaaah! Aah!

 **PERIDOT**

All right. Nobody move. I got a corruption

here, and I'm not afraid to use it.

(The Centipeetle roars.) I'm a Peridot on

the edge!

The corruption belches and Yellow Diamond's crown flies out of her mouth

and falls to the ground.

 **PERIDOT**

Celebrity marriages. They never last,

do they?

The congregation cheers.

 **PERIDOT**

Go ahead, Jasper.

 **JASPER**

Uh, Rose?

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Yes, Jasper?

 **JASPER**

I - - I love you.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

Really?

 **JASPER**

Really, really.

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

(smiles) I love you too.

Jasper and Rose kiss. Yellow Pearl takes one of the cards and writes

'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation.

 **CONGREGATION**

Aawww!

Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Rose away. She's lifted

up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around

her.

 **WHISPERS**

"Until you find true love's first kiss

and then take love's true form. Take

love's true form. Take love's true form."

Suddenly Rose's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell

and then is slowly lowered to the ground.

 **JASPER**

(going over to her) Rose? Rose. Are

you all right?

 **ROSE QUARTZ**

(standing up, she's still a gem) Well,

yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed

to be beautiful.

 **JASPER**

But you ARE beautiful.

They smile at each other.

 **PERIDOT**

(chuckles) I was hoping this would be

a happy ending.

Jasper and Rose kiss...and the kiss fades into...

 **THE COLONY**

...their wedding kiss. Jasper and Rose are now married. 'I'm

a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Jasper

and Rose break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting

carriage. Which is made of a giant gem. Rose tosses her bouquet

which both Jenny and Kiki Pizza try to catch. But they end

up getting into a cat fight and so the Centipeetle catches the bouquet

instead. The Ruby has been mended somewhat and now

cane. Jasper and Rose

walk off as the rest of the guests party and Peridot takes over

singing the song.

 **RUBY**

God bless us, every one.

 **PERIDOT**

(as she's done singing and we fade to

black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't

breathe. I can't breathe.

 **THE END**


End file.
